My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Randomize
