We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
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