Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
