Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
there was a trapeze. enough said
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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