That reminds me...we need to get swords
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
