you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
