Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
The ass gains better be worth it
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