it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
