Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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