My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
My life is pants optional.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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