I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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