I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
