I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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