watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
These Attractive Criminals Took Sexy Mugshots That Made Them Famous
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom