I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
23 People Noticed Deal Breakers in Their Partner A Little Too Late
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
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