I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb