I'm pants shitting drunk right now
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize