Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
