Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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