there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
