You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
So much Jack, so little girl.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Randomize
