theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
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