well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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