And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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