Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
