Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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