You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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