My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
