Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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