A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Randomize
