"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Randomize
