Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
