i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
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