My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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