I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
