If i come over, it means nothing
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
