im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
