If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
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