On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
