you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
