When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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