So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
