One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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