can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
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she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
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Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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