I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
True college students do jello shots in the library
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