I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
