You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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