i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
