omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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