I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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