I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
