i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
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