i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Your dad touched me again.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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