so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
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