Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
