there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
