I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
