got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
