You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i just wanna soil my oats bro
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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