I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
