totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
